Rainbow's Bakery
by Allym McBrony
Summary: Rainbow Dash visits Sugarcube Corner to find Pinkie Pie before going to a picnic, but is distracted by homicidal tendencies on the way.  Not what you'd expect


It was a warm summer day in Equestria. The sky was a deep blue, without a single cloud, thanks to Rainbow Dash. The cyan pony had been clearing the sky all morning and now rested on a bench next to the Ponyville town square. She lay on her back in the sun, warming her rainbow colored mane. She opened one maroon eye when she heard someone approach her. It was her friend, Rarity.

The white pony approached Rainbow Dash carrying a small basket on her back. Her blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight as she spoke in her serene voice,

"There you are, Rainbow! We've been looking everywhere for you. Are you ready for our picnic this afternoon?"

Rainbow sat up and looked at her friend. Rainbow nodded, remaining silent. Rarity looked at Rainbow Dash worriedly.

"Are you alright, Rainbow?"

Rainbow Dash nodded again, a little more forcefully this time. Rarity dismissed Dash's silence, and continued on,

"Good." She said as she began to walk away, "Well, before you come, can you go get Pinkie Pie? I haven't seen her all day."

Without saying anything, Rainbow Dash got off the bench and trotted off to find Pinkie Pie. Rainbow reached Sugarcube Corner at the end of the road. She looked around; making sure no one saw her go in. When inside, she quickly slammed the door and turned off the lights. Taking a few seconds to make sure the coast was clear, Rainbow calmed herself and walked toward a table in the middle of the room.

In the dim light it was hard to see the pink shape at the table. But Rainbow knew what she saw, and giggled slyly upon seeing it. She talked in her normal, go-lucky voice, but this time it was different. It had a slight tone of malice in it.

"I'm glad to see you didn't leave. Not that you could…"

The figure remained silent.

"Those restraints sure do work, huh? What say we get you out of them?"

Rainbow didn't hear a response from across the table, but she continued with her plan anyway. She trotted over to the counter on the other side of the room, and unsheathed a large knife. It shone dimly in the low light as it was brought back to the table. Without warning, Rainbow Dash slammed the knife blade first into the table. It stood there in between Rainbow and her prisoner.

"So… How do you want this to go down?" She asked; her voice cracking as it normally does.

But instead of an answer, or a plea for mercy, Rainbow was replied to, yet again, with silence. Her anger boiled in her as she lost her patience.

"You want to do this the hard way? We'll do this the hard way!"

Taking the knife from out of the table, she brought it behind her head. With a fell sweep, she threw the knife at the figure across the table. It connected with the top and continued through, and Rainbow Dash could see a small chunk fall off. She laughed to herself, but stopped when she realized,

"Wait… I have an idea! Let's go to the cellar… It would be a shame to have Mr. Cake clean up the mess."

With that, Rainbow Dash turned on the lights and looked back at the table. She smiled with madness as she saw her captive. Sitting there on the table was a platter, with a dozen cupcakes on it. They were wrapped in a pale green wrapping, and each had a swirl of pink frosting. All but one was flawless, with the single cupcake having its frosting cut in half by Rainbow's knife.

She pranced over to the platter, and taking it on her back, proceeded into the cellar. Sneaking around back, she brought the cupcakes down into the dark, dank cellar. The walls were lined with old, mildew covered boards, which occasionally broke rank to reveal the cold, grey stone wall behind them. The ground was cobblestone, uneven and without pattern, that was covered in bits of frosting and crumbs. Hanging from the roof was a single light surrounded by torn cupcake wrappers. A lone, metal table sat in the middle of the room with a heavy footlocker underneath it.

Rainbow carelessly tossed the platter on the table, causing one cupcake to roll off the platter. Giggling, she said to the cupcake,

"Don't even think about escaping!"

She dashed to the table, and took the cupcake in her hoof. She glared into its smooth layer of frosting, and growled mercilessly,

"There'll never be an escape for you, because I'm going to kill you." She averted her gaze to the entire platter, "All of you!

She turned and threw the cupcake in her hoof at the wall. It hit the wall by its base and fell to the ground, landing upright. Furious at the lack of carnage, Rainbow reached under the table to the footlocker. Opening it, she examined the many instruments. There were knifes, drills and blades of all sizes throughout the locker, lacking any organization. Shifting through the sharp tools, Rainbow found one that would work for her.

She turned slowly around to the cupcake on the floor, brandishing a shiny scalpel. Slowly, she walked over to the cupcake, playfully swinging the scalpel in her mouth. When the cupcake was at her feet, she placed a hoof on top of the cupcake to keep it still, enjoying how it began to crumble under her weight.

"Now, I haven't practiced this procedure much, but I bet you I could pull it off in ten seconds flat!"

She brought the scalpel down to the cupcake, right at the base of the frosting. She began a sloppy incision through the bread around the frosting. Crumbs fell out from the cupcake and littered the floor around Rainbow, fueling her bloodlust. When her circular incision was over, she grabbed hold of the cupcake by its frosting. She felt the frosting ooze out from under her hoof as the made a single, vicious sweep through the incision, severing the top half of the cupcake from the rest.

Laughing at her success at decapitating the treat, she pranced back to the locker, taking the cupcake with her. She threw the pastry on the table, in front of the others. When she came back from the locker, she had a jagged needle and fishing wire in her mouth. She laid it next to the half a cupcake on the table, and snarled to the others,

"See? You'll all end up this way! I'll kill each one of you!"

With that, she held her mangled cupcake up, and violently plunged the needle straight through the mushy victim. It came out the other end, spilling crumbs over the table. Rainbow threaded the wire through the cupcake, humming a tune as she worked. When she had repeated the process, and looped the wire through the same cupcake four times, she reached for the loose end of wire. Tying it to the ceiling in front of the other cupcakes, she laughed manically.

"Awesome decorations, right? I just hope there's enough for the entire room."

She smiled as she reached down into the locker again. She pulled out a tin can and set it on the table. The cupcakes had no reaction to the can as Rainbow Dash opened it, revealing hot coals with several large nails lying on top. Rainbow took one unlucky cupcake from the pile and took it over to the wooden wall, where it was set resting against the base of the wall.

She turned around to grab the can, and also grabbed a hammer and tongs. She threw them at the ground in front of the lone cupcake. Going slow, to maintain her pleasure, Rainbow lifted the cupcake to the wall in one hoof. In the other she held the hammer, with the tongs holding a smoldering nail in her mouth.

"Now," she said around the tongs, "Hold shtill, dish won't take long!"

She steadied the red hot nail at the cupcake's center, and eased the nail through it. She smelled the ripe stench of cooked cupcakes as the nail sizzled its way through the treat. It hit the wall on the other side of the cake, stopping its delicious progress. Now with the nail in place, she readied the hammer right above the head of the nail. Carefully, she pounded the nail once. Twice. Three times. But on the fourth, she missed the nail and hit the cupcake instead. It was crushed around the hammer as it crumbled apart and fell to the ground.

"Ah, ponyfeathers! Oh well, there's more where you came from."

She dropped her tools on the floor, not caring about cleaning up after herself. She was in the zone. Her only thoughts were about finishing off the rest of the cupcakes. Those dreaded, abysmal cupcakes! She hated them! In a rage, she flew to the table, flipping it over with two hooves. It clattered on the stone floor, tossing the cupcakes everywhere. Dash was getting impatient; she wanted bloodshed now!

Still flying, she scooped up two cupcakes. The frosting from one was getting all over the cupcake next to it, making a delicious mess. Flying to the wall, she shoved the cupcakes as hard as she could into the hard surface. They disappeared under her hooves in a spray of crumbs and a splatter of frosting. Frosting was running down her hooves, and she licked one of them clean.

"Ha! For worthless, horrible cupcakes, you sure taste good!"

She looked around the floor, where the eight surviving cupcakes lay. Suddenly, an idea popped into her head. She flew to the locker, frantically searching through it.

"Ugh, where did Pinkie put it?" she groaned as she moved through machetes and hammers. "Ah! There it is!"

She removed a large battery from the locker, lacing copper wire behind it. Going to the nearest cupcake, she jammed the wires into the sides. She grinned wickedly as she went back to the battery.

"I gotta say, I sure was shocked when Pinkie showed me this!"

Flicking a switch, she could hear the steady buzz of electricity as it surged through the lifeless cupcake. She saw small wisps of smoke rise from the cupcake as its burning stench filled her nostrils. She let the battery run for well over a minute as it cooked the cupcake from the inside out. Soon, it was blackened and burnt around the wires.

Rainbow investigated her buzzing project, and felt it hadn't done the job enough. She brought a large rubber mallet back to the cupcake, and raised it above her head. She dropped the hammer upon the cupcake, whistling a jaunty tune as she did so. It hit the ground with a loud thud, causing a ring of frosting to go shooting out from underneath it. Rainbow smirked as she walked through the remains, squishing frosting everywhere she went.

Seven cupcakes remained, and it had taken her only ten minutes to dispatch five.

"Wow, good time!" She beamed to herself.

But it wasn't good enough. Her friends' picnic would start in just a few minutes, and Dash had to finish off the last cupcakes as fast as possible. She thought for a moment about the best way to murder seven cupcakes at once. Then, a light went off in her head and her face broke into a wicked smile.

"I just got the best idea ever!" she exclaimed as she flew around the room, scooped up the remaining cupcakes.

She threw them hastily back on the platter, and ran out of the cellar, ignoring the mess of frosting, crumbs, and murder weapons behind her. She quickly flew around back into Sugarcube Corner, not bothering to be subtle. The lights were off again as she flew into the kitchen, leaving a shining rainbow behind her.

The platter clattered on the counter as Rainbow Dash prepared the oven.

"Sorry I couldn't murder you properly, but I've got plans! There's only one thing left to do with you, you worthless cupcakes!"

Rainbow reached under the counter and pulled out a large mixing bowl. She threw the bowl on the counter next to her prisoners. She laughed again,

"If I remember Pinkie's song right, we start with a cup of flour."

Rainbow took an entire bag of flour and threw it in the large mixing bowl. It erupted in a white cloud.

"Take a little something sweet…"

She threw assorted candies into the concoction, each making its own puff of white in the flour. She then turned to the cupcakes, and held the platter above her head. She cackled as she dumped the entire batch of cupcakes into the flour.

"A bit of salt, just a pinch…"

Ignoring the song's directions, Rainbow poured half the shaker of salt into the mix. She just wanted the cupcakes to suffer, and cooking them alive would do just that. She opened the door to the oven, releasing a wave of heat. She carefully put the bowl of flour, candy and cupcakes in the center then slammed the door shut with all her might. It shook the entire counter.

As she waited for the cupcakes to finish their agonizing death, she thought about who would die next. Maybe Pony Joe's café in Canterlot? She despised doughnuts, and relished at the thought of ending them too. Maybe she would go murder some apple pies at Applejack's farm.

_Why do you hate baked goods so much?_ She though to herself, _Do I even need a reason?_

She giggled madly even more as the stench of the baking treats filled the room. Suddenly, the oven began to shake violently. Rainbow glared curiously at the commotion, and proceeded to get a closer investigation. She leaned in close to the oven, trying to listen past the heavy door. She flew back from the oven as the door burst open, and a large pink blur shot out.

Rainbow collected herself, clearing the murkiness from her head, and looked up. All the previous, murderous rage had surpassed when she witnessed the pink pony lying on the floor. The pony opened her light blue eyes, and looked up at Rainbow Dash. Her curly pink hair was covered in flour, and crumbs lined her mouth as she smiled.

"Hey, Dashie! What's going on?"

Rainbow Dash smiled warmly, forgetting the atrocious acts she had just committed against those innocent cupcakes. She had no idea how Pinkie had appeared in the oven, or why, but she was glad she was there.

"Oh, Pinkie Pie," Rainbow Dash said with a smile, "You are so random."


End file.
